My Project For A New American Century, Step One

The Pharmaceutical Problem

Or, more specifically, the pharmaceutical advertising problem. For too long have gullible Americans been convinced that they needed to ask their doctor whether XXX-itrol was right for them. I believe I have arrived at a convenient solution to this problem.

They can still be advertised on TV. However, all warnings of side effects must now be read by rehabilitated New Jersey mobsters. In their own words. With no musical accompaniment. And with nothing on the camera but a zoomed-in headshot of the mobster.

"Some a youse guys is gonna have a, uhh, what the fuck? Holy shit, this shit says abdominal bleeding. Abdominal bleeding, Jesus fuckin' Christ here. This is a fuckin' hay fever medicine, here. You gonna have blood sprayin' outta your fuckin' intestines, just so's you don't sneeze so much. How fuckin' smart is that?"

"Eh, this here thing says that this shit might make your fuckin' eyeballs shrink. Do I look like I'm makin' this shit up? Your fuckin' eyeballs is gonna shrink up and fall outta your fuckin' head, all so's you can lower your fuckin' cholesterol. What are you, fuckin' stupid? Stop eatin' the two egg breakfast every day, you fat fuck, and then you can keep your fuckin' eyeballs in your head where they belong."

"Hey, listen up, you ignorant fucks! I understand, believe me, not bein' able to control your fuckin' bowel movements is fuckin' embarrassing. Okay? I got that. But holy fuckin' Jesus, read this shit with me here: this stuff helps you control your bowels, maybe, right? Maybe? But maybe it also makes your mother-fuckin' heart stop! Holy Christ! Your fuckin' heart! Don't be a asshole! Buy the fuckin' Depends diapers! Wear bigger pants and nobody'll know, honest to God! Would I fuckin' lie to you? I shit my pants just readin' this shit. I wouldn't take one a these pills if you wacked Johnny Straponi for me and put me in charge of the West Side Mob. Not that I do that kinda thing anymore."

Okay, so that's one problem solved.