It's All My Fault

I admit it: I'm responsible for monotheism. I was an enthusiastic young lawyer, shooting for partner in a firm with some fantastic clients, among them several gods who must remain nameless under the terms of my contract. I was dazzled, of course. I was trying to impress them. Though I didn't see it at the time, these gods were not exactly top-shelf, if you know what I mean. They were past their prime, rarely got any tithes, hardly ever saw a sacrifice. Times were lean, and the creditors were starting to come sniffing.

No fewer than three castles of gold were foreclosed upon in my first year with the firm. They had multiple mortgages out in different names-- it was a fucking mess. My clients were looking at doing some serious time, considering their extremely fraudulent financial activities. Ever read any Greek myths about punishments doled out by immortals? Yeah. I said serious time, I meant Serious Fucking Time.

So I pitch this crazy idea: I drop a dollar or two in the pockets of certain talented 'prophets,' my clients build up what very little juice they still have left to kick in a few convenient, though minor, miracles for these 'prophets,' and we start a new mythos moving. A burning bush here, a fish dinner there, and all the sudden, you've got people's attention.

We spread the word that there is only one God. And, wait for it: none of my clients are Him.

As a matter of fact, my clients were nothing more than myths... yeah, that's right, Biff. They never existed, so take your liens and your judgements and your writs and just fuck off.

My clients went for it. Not like they had any better options. But then, I have to admit, things got a little out of hand.

I underestimated the gullibility of mankind. I used to complain about how stupid people were, about how they couldn't wrap their heads around all the different variables in a problem, they had to boil it all down to some simple, stupid, singular explanation for everything. Simplicity was always better than veracity. Well. The chumps latched onto the monotheism gag like nobody's business.

It spread like the Spanish flu, and was nearly as deadly. Whole civilizations fell to it. A few of the gods made a good stand against it, but the reductions in tithes and sacrifices meant hard times for everybody. So the collectors started closing in on all of them. Before we knew it, we had thousands of divine clients, all wanting in on the "I'm only a myth" defense against their creditors.

So here we are, four thousand years later, in an endless cycle of holy wars. And all I've got to show for it is a three-thousand-year-old BMW chariot with the spokes rotting out, and a roster of deadbeat clients as long as Ayman al-Zawahiri's beard.

Yeah. Monotheism. Great fucking idea that was.