My Project for a New American Century: Step Two

Fuel Economy

We use too much oil for our own good. Fuck global warming. Fuck the planet. I'm talking about national security here. Oil is bad news. Everyone with any sense knows we need to stop using so much.

If we weren't American, we'd tax the living shit out of gas. Or we'd legislate higher corporate average fuel economies. Yeah. But then we wouldn't be law-hating, government-fearing Americans. So what we need is a free market solution. We need cash incentives in the marketplace, dammit.

I have just the solution. Untaxed cash awards for vitriolic put-downs doled out by car salesmen at customers intent on buying gas guzzlers.

"You wanna see the Yukon, huh? What, so people will be so distracted by the size of your car that they won't notice your enormous, fat ass?"

That's $300.

"This here's the Dodge Viper. It's designed for bald men with small penises, so basically, dinky, it's your dream car."

That's $750.

"You and your wife want to test drive the Hemi Magnum R/T? Hey, why not? If I had to fuck such an ugly woman, I'd want to crawl in a hearse, too."

A cool grand.

Additionally, we'll collect statistics on the average fuel economy of the vehicles sold by each salesman. Every year, the salesman in each county with the highest average fuel economy gets a free, mail-order bride from the country of his choice (certified disease- and mafia-connections-free) and a lifetime supply of green sportcoats.

Walk with me, my countrymen, into our brave future.